


You Can Leave Your Hat On

by Tinyhat



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: M/M, nothing explicit haha, this is just goofy fun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-13
Updated: 2016-09-13
Packaged: 2018-08-14 22:32:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8031493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tinyhat/pseuds/Tinyhat
Summary: Due to an unfortunate lack of proper plumbing technique and a bad attitude, Kylo Ren is out one personal fresher. Now, he must make the hardest decision of his life: fester in his own various and pungent body odors or show his face (and his junk) in the dreaded communal showers.





	You Can Leave Your Hat On

**Author's Note:**

> Please listen to “You can Leave Your Hat On” by Tom Jones before or while you read this. And possibly after as well. It’s important. You won’t have the full experience otherwise.

Kylo Ren didn’t mean to break his private fresher. It was just one of those things that was out of his control, like his temper, or that awkward boner he once had. A fellow Jedi student had taken note and told him that it was not an appropriate time to ignite his “lightsaber”. That particular student’s demise had been immensely cathartic a few years later as Kylo Ren screamed “IS IT APPROPRIATE NOW??” while hacking him to bits with an actual lightsaber. By coincidence, it was the very same lightsaber with which Kylo had been trying to expunge a pipe blockage in his shower.

In his defense, this was not entirely his own stupid idea. This was a method of plumbing he had witnessed frequently as a child. Between Chewbacca and his mother, the household shower drains was frequently clogged and Uncle Luke’s green lightsaber and unerringly steady hand was the quickest way to fix the problem. Initially, Kylo had looked down on this practice as disrespectful to all lightsaber-wielding disciplines. His opinion was quickly swayed by his inheritance of his mother’s luxurious and shed-prone locks as well as the length of time it took for his work orders to be processed by the Finalizer’s janitorial squad. To his credit, he had singed his way through the large clump of hair and muck before slicing through a sudden bend in the plumbing. He had successfully completed this process in the past, so the ensuing temper tantrum-related damage to the rest of the facility was entirely understandable. However, when all was said and done, Kylo Ren had no functioning shower for the foreseeable future and judging by the greasiness of his hair, the triumphant return of his childhood acne was imminent. 

As with any strict military operation, a private fresher was a great luxury. Even the top brass used communal freshers. The only reason Kylo had one at all was thanks to the Supreme Leader’s insistence that he remain menacing and masked. The less human he seemed the more those under his command would fear him. Loyalty through fear was much quicker to earn than through hard won respect. Anyway, no one was going to fear someone with ears large enough to sustain self-powered flight and a face that, when at rest, looked to be on the verge of tears at any given moment. Even his fiercest frown made him look like he was about to start whimpering. Quaking in your boots is a tall order when what you really want to do is awkwardly hand someone a tissue box.

He briefly considered just not cleaning himself at all for the next week or two it would take for the repairs to be made. He lifted an arm, took an experimental sniff to test the viability of this plan, and then recoiled in horror. Between the thick layers of clothing, his stuffy helmet, Snoke’s rigorous training, and his own genetic propensity towards sweatiness he would never stand a chance. He might be able to mask the smell with deodorant for a day, but no longer than that before it would be capable of overpowering a Dianoga (a creature that considered most trash compactors and sewers to be quite cozy and pleasant). He briefly recalled the woman who gave birth to him once mentioning that she and Han Solo had shared their first tender embrace in the company of such a creature. Kylo thought it was sort of fitting that their tumultuous relationship had begun in the trash, considering that was exactly where it had ultimately ended up.

And so, Kylo Ren began his journey towards the communal freshers, breaking out into a nervous sweat along the way, which ironically only made the trip more necessary. Kylo had enough lingering body image issues from his adolescence to last at least six separate lifetimes. He briefly recalled his first sexual encounter with another person. She had been a Twi’lek hoping to join the Knights of Ren. She had given him an unimpressed once over before informing him that his entire person was so gangly and awkward that it made his penis look elegant by comparison. As a frame of reference, never has there ever been a penis that even vaguely approached the descriptor of “elegant”. Even now at thirty, he still retained a certain gangliness that no amount of hard earned musculature could completely mask. Between that and a face that Master Snoke himself said no one could ever take seriously (I mean, the nose ALONE), Kylo Ren had a lot to worry about. He tried to console himself with the knowledge that this particular fresher was reserved for extremely high ranking officers, so hopefully they’d be more professional than the average Stormtrooper and refrain from making comments on each other’s proportions. Besides, General Hux had decided that the First Order could save a significant amount of credits and energy by disposing of the water heaters for the freshers, so the icy water would make anyone’s penis unimpressive. As he keyed in his access code to the door, he considered how truly sad it was that the idea of his genitals trying to fight their way back up into his torso in search of heat was in any way a comforting concept. 

Fortunately, the anteroom of the fresher was deserted. Unfortunately, Kylo could hear the telltale sound of running water beyond the partition where the showers were located. It was late and most of the Finalizer’s occupants were either gently snoring in their utilitarian bunks, already done with their regular hygiene upkeep, or on “night shift”. Technically, being in space meant the entire concept of “night” was redundant but a schedule based on an average habitable planet’s rotation provided some structure and order to everyone’s lives on board the Finalizer, and if there was one thing the First Order was all about it was ORDER. It said so in the name. They weren’t very original, but Kylo gave them points for consistency. 

Kylo hoped that whoever was currently standing under the showerheads was almost finished. It occurred to him that he could just loiter in the changing area until the other person exited the showers. Then there would just be a quick, awkward moment of overlap as they switched places. Maybe if he were lucky the other person would be just as intent on avoiding eye contact and would not even realize who he was. It would all be in the timing. He began to divest himself of his clothing. First his helmet, then his boot, then his other boot, his belt, his cowl, and so on and so forth. In a distinctly uncharacteristic move, he carefully and neatly folded them as he stowed them away in one of the lockers lining the wall. When he was at last completely nude he took a moment to consider his immaculately arranged pile of clothing with his helmet and lightsaber poised on top. Then he slammed the door of the locker with such force that it didn’t have time to let the locking mechanism catch properly before bouncing back open. He shut it again, more gently but still as loudly as he could manage. 

The person in the shower must have gotten the hint because shortly after the door slammings, the water shut off and Kylo got his first look at the other man as he hurried out of the showers and made a beeline for a locker on the wall opposite of Kylo’s own abused locker. This should have been Kylo’s perfect opportunity to then slip into the showers while the other man was determinedly not looking at him but Kylo recognized the distinctive red hair. In retrospect, Kylo should not have been surprised by this particular person’s presence in this particular communal fresher but it was just so out of context from their usual encounters that he didn’t manage to stifle the shocked exclamation.

 

“HUX?”

General Hux visibly started, and Kylo had a brief view of how the General’s buttocks clenched in fright before he spun around to face his accuser while simultaneously jamming his uniform hat onto his head as though it was some kind of defense reflex. He stared at Kylo with wide eyes for a moment, like a small animal about to be beheaded by a low flying speeder. He blinked twice in quick succession before Kylo saw comprehension dawn on his face.

“REN. What are you doing in here?”

“Shower broke.” Kylo said simply. He wasn’t totally capable of giving a more complex explanation at that time because he was desperately trying to resolve the mental dissonance of seeing the general in such a state of disarray and undress. Without the perfectly pressed uniform and immaculately shining boots, there was nothing to camouflage just how slight yet doughy Hux’s body truly was. There was essentially no muscle definition whatsoever. The man had little love handles. His pale skin, which Kylo was confident had not seen true unfiltered sunlight in months, was beginning to flush deep reddish-pink with either rage or embarrassment. His entire face was almost the same color-value of his hair. Kylo took a certain pleasure in noting that Hux’s penis was absolutely perfectly average. His dick was just as utterly boring and unremarkable as his personality. With his little hat resting at a rather jaunty angle on his wet and un-styled hair, the overall effect of General Hux’s physical presence was the funniest thing Kylo Ren had ever seen. He felt his own face start to go red as his shoulders shook with the effort to suppress what he could only describe as a giggle. He had never been good at keeping his emotions from showing up in his face, another reason Snoke insisted on the helmet. 

“What’s so funny?”

“Nothing! It’s just- pfff!” Kylo snorted “your little hat.”

Hux’s face had never worn such an indignant expression, which was a real accomplishment considering his usual expression could only be described as furiously constipated. In a bid for some shred of dignity, he reached up to straighten his hat, which only made Kylo lose more of his barely contained composure.

“What’s wrong with it??” Hux demanded. His flush was creeping down his chest now. 

“In what situation” Kylo snickered, “would it ever make sense to put that thing on first?” He glanced down at the rest of Hux, taking in the image before him again and gave up trying to contain his laughter. Hux’s rage and humiliation was so strong Kylo didn’t even need to reach out through the Force to feel it. Somehow that just made it even funnier. 

Hux straightened his back, schooling his expression into a calm façade.

“Well,” he said “I’m glad you find my appearance amusing. Although I’m surprised you can properly see me past that beak you call a nose.” Kylo stopped laughing. Hux smirked, sensing weakness. “My word,” he continued, “between your nose and your ears I have to wonder how you fit that ridiculous helmet onto your head. Though I can’t blame you for wearing it. Look at you.” Hux made a show of looking Kylo up and down. Kylo had a sudden and illogical desire to cover himself. He clenched his fists at his sides instead. “You’re a gawky thing, aren’t you? Is that what all the layers are for? Puffing yourself up like an exotic avian, Ren?” Kylo was shaking now. How dare this soft little man try to make him feel small? 

“You’re one to talk.” he shot back, “Don’t you wear shoulder pads?”

“They’re a part of the jacket. I didn’t put them in.” Hux said defensively.

“Of course you didn’t. You’d have put bigger ones in.” Kylo moved forward, trying to force Hux into a retreat. “Is that why you wear that greatcoat like a cape? To compensate?”

“We’re in space. It’s cold.” Hux hissed through gritted teeth, not giving quarter.

“Well why don’t you use the sleeves then? Admit it, you just want to look dramatic.”

“Excuse me, I’m the dramatic one??”

“YES!!” Kylo roared, punching the locker door next to Hux’s head hard enough to leave a dent in the metal.

They stood there for a few moments, red faced and breathing heavily, eyes locked. Usually at this point in the fight Kylo would storm off and find some way to relieve the tension. Snoke wouldn’t be pleased if he killed their most valuable military officer, so instead of breaking Hux’s neck like he would have preferred, he broke control panels. Once, he managed to slice a wing off a TIE fighter. Or he’d just resort to his time honored tradition of locking himself in his fresher and angrily masturbating his awkward boner away.

Speaking of, Kylo suddenly had an overwhelming urge to find out if Hux got… excited when he lost his temper, too. He’d always wondered if that was normal, and he was never wonderful with impulse control. He looked down. Hux followed suit.

“Huh,” Kylo said. Hux did not respond. There was a long pause. “I um… I should uh… shower…”

“Yes. Yes, you really do smell awful.” Hux said. His words completely lacked bite, and he sounded a bit breathier than usual. Neither of them moved. Then they did.

Five minutes passed. Like a bad dinner guest, Kylo came too early, and Hux's little hat was left on.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm a fan of Kylux in the sense that they're both terrible and embarrassing people and they deserve every regrettable and humiliating thing conceivable, including each other. May they know no happiness and die undignified deaths in the final installment! <3


End file.
